Secrets Lanzarote Resort and Spa

Another amazing stay at Secrets Lanzarote, we returned and I didn't think it was possible for this hotel get better, it surpassed our trip last year the world buffet was so much better , especially the desserts, shout out to the great staff Harsh at reception was extremely helpful, Kevin at the Habana was a great character, Alexandre at guest experience was extremely helpful too. Looking forward to coming back.

We enjoyed our seven night stay. Hotel is largely a nice place to be, staff are pleasant and food was okay. Scored it a (low) 4/5, so mostly good.

Seen some reviews that say the hotel is spotless and very well cared for - we don’t see where those folks are coming from. Much of the hotel (beyond the main reception area) is actually quite tired and there are many areas in need of significant maintenance and improvements to the level of finish. Cracked tiles, peeling paint and wood finishes, creaking beds, decks needing complete replacement, mix of quality of sunbeds, door handles creak and stick, most toilet flush plates are loose, balcony furniture needs replacing, etc. If you’re expecting it to be pristine based off those other quite gushing reviews; you’ll be disappointed. It’s “fine” in nearly all areas, and quite nice in some. Not luxuriously perfect by any stretch, though.

Food was okay. Yes, we’re leaving an allowance for it being mass-prepared even in the à la carte restaurants; but there would need to be significant improvement for it to be considered good. Of course, everyone has different tastes and expectations, but this was not quite up to the standard of most of the other all inclusives we have been to. Buffet was marginally worse than others, but it is the à la cartes that would need the biggest improvement to bring them up to par.

They don’t take bookings for the à la carte restaurants; which has both pros and cons. Of course, you get the flexibility to decide where you want to eat on the night, but there can be quite long queues. Whilst these do move quickly, that’s probably because the service once you’re seated can feel quite rushed. Mains coming out five minutes after being seated in the Italian isn’t relaxing and just emphasises the fact the food was just sat waiting to be ordered.

The drinks choices were good, and we were impressed with some of what was included in the highest level of all inclusive. That’s even with one waiter consistently telling us our drinks choices were not included… they always were, and we had to twice point it out to him on the menu. We would’ve liked there to be more frequent rounds of someone talking drinks orders by the pool; as we ended up usually going to the bar. In fact, we’d have actually wanted there to be an app to order drinks to your sunbed - but guess they resist this for the cost of people ordering the volume of drinks they actually want, without interrupting their relaxation.

We had to move rooms. When we checked-in we queried if it was a quiet room based on its location immediately next to reception and the piano bar where the shows are; both the receptionist and porter tried to make out it was indeed quiet; somewhat rehearsed answers we felt in retrospect. It wasn’t at all quiet, and was never going to be. Not sure why they wasted our time? Hoping we’d just accept the room, I guess. Moved to a quieter room of the same class (which Veronica handled very well; guess we weren’t the first to move from our room), but it was a much, much nicer room. Realised that not all of the suites are equal; despite costing the same. We later realised our original one didn’t even have the same layout as all the room tour videos we had seen prior to coming. Still, walls are pretty thin, and we could hear our neighbours “enjoying themselves”. The great big sliding wooden doors also stuck on their runners, and constantly needed kicking back onto its bottom tracks - we didn’t report this, as housekeeping would have experienced the same each day. Therefore, strange it wasn’t fixed given staff knew about it.

The evening entertainment was mixed. The female vocalist with pianist was very good. Others clearly agreed. The flamenco and bollywood were quite embarrassingly painful to watch; pretty much the level of dancing you’d see in a bedroom in front of the mirror. Some of the other singers were good; but need to get someone to sort their audio for them - music too loud, mics too quiet was the consistent theme.

Right, sunbeds. Saw this topic discussed online during our week there. And we fully agree that there is a problem. By 8am, many sunbeds have towels on them, many of which remain unvisited for much or all of the day. Never understood this selfishness. The hotel don’t appear to do anything whatsoever about this - despite saying in the hotel rules that they do. We were in the all inclusive space closest to the sea, and managed to get a bed each day. That wasn’t the case for others elsewhere.

We won’t return, as we know there’s better out there. Doesn’t mean we didn’t enjoy our week. Really just wanted to provide a bit of balance to some of the reviews that make it sound like heaven on earth; and are seen to strongly defend the place on social media and try to shut down any criticism of the place they advise they return to year after year. Between my review and theirs, you’ll probably have a good idea what to expect.