Alua Village Fuerteventura

Just back from 7 days at Alua Village with my partner and children, and honestly loved the place.

Let’s start with the path to the beach. Marketed as “a short walk to the beach.” Reader, it is not short, it is not a walk, and by day three I was referring to it exclusively as ‘The Ascent’. I watched a man in flip-flops attempt it with a cocktail in each hand like some kind of tequila-based sherpa. He did not make it. None of us made it, not really. Parts of me are still down there.

Now, the food. I need to be honest with you: I went into this holiday expecting beige, sad, cruise-ship buffet fare, and instead the kitchen absolutely bodied it every single night. Themed evenings that actually delivered on the theme. Hash browns so good I developed a genuine emotional attachment and may have grieved a little on the flight home. I went back for seconds so consistently that by day four the chef and I were on nodding terms, possibly the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Special shout out to the gentleman poolside in the American flag thong, a man so committed to the bit he looked like Stretch Armstrong’s stretchier, more patriotic cousin. He appeared every single day, glistening, unbothered, a national monument in his own right.

Speaking of the actual entertainment team — they ran every activity almost entirely in French, with the manic energy of people who’ve been personally promised eternal life if enough guests do the chicken dance. My girlfriend, zero French, threw herself into it anyway, arriving to every move about a second and a half late, like buffering human WiFi.

Some sun beds were claimed by towel at what I can only assume was 3am by a shadow network of guests who then did not reappear until sunset, if at all. I have never seen these people.

Room cleaned to an unsettling degree of perfection every day, staff so relentlessly cheerful I started to suspect one of them was actually solar-powered.

Would we go back? Immediately, if only to see if Stretch Armstrong is still out there, holding the line. Would my knees survive a second Ascent?

Overall a great stay for couples and families alike — we’d happily return.

We booked a 7-night all-inclusive holiday with TUI for myself, my husband and our 16-year-old daughter, and overall we had a really lovely stay.

The hotel is beautiful, clean and well maintained. Our room was cleaned every day and all the staff we met were very friendly, helpful and polite.

We upgraded to My Favourite Club as soon as we arrived after reading so many positive reviews about it, and I can honestly say it was absolutely worth it. The upgrade not only gave us a large and spacious room with a lovely sea view and a large terrace, but also included higher-quality drinks, which was a really nice added benefit. The only downside was that we were on the ground floor and there was occasionally a sewage smell outside in the corridor.

The hotel facilities are very good. There are two large outdoor pools, a smaller children's pool with a slide, an indoor pool, sauna, steam room and gym, so there is plenty to keep you occupied.

The food was another positive. There was plenty of choice at every meal and we always found something we enjoyed. We certainly never went hungry!

The only issue we had around the pool was the lack of available sunbeds. Unfortunately, some guests would put towels down very early in the morning and then disappear for most of the day, making it difficult for other guests to find a sunbed. This is something we feel the hotel could manage better.

For us, the biggest disappointment was the entertainment. A lot of it was in French and we found some of it quite boring. The entertainment team was generally a bit of a let-down, especially for English-speaking guests. There was one lovely girl (I'm sorry, I don't remember her name) who was fluent in English and was really friendly, engaging and welcoming towards the English-speaking guests. She was a credit to the team.

Another thing we weren't particularly comfortable with was the hotel's approach to topless sunbathing and extremely revealing swimwear around the pool. We saw a woman sunbathing topless and a man wearing a very revealing thong-style swimsuit, with a visible outline at the front that appeared to be an erection. We appreciate that everyone has different views and that this may be acceptable in some holiday destinations, but personally we didn't feel this was appropriate around a family pool where children are present. I mentioned our concerns to reception and was told that this was allowed. This was disappointing to us, although obviously this is a matter of personal opinion.

On the positive side, all of the reception staff we dealt with spoke English, which made everything very easy for us. The cleaners were also fantastic. Even when there was a language barrier, they always found a way to communicate with us and were friendly and helpful every day.

A particular thank you to the two gentlemen at reception who helped us when we arrived and checked us in, especially the tall gentleman with glasses. Unfortunately, I don't know either of their names, but both were exceptionally helpful, friendly and welcoming from the moment we arrived. They made a great first impression and really stood out to us. Thank you both for all your help!

Despite these few negatives, we genuinely loved the hotel and had a fantastic holiday.

The sandy beach is at the bottom of the hotel. It is quite a walk, but definitely worth it. On the way, you can feed the Moroccan squirrels, which are absolutely adorable!

We would also definitely recommend visiting the zoo, going go-karting and taking a trip to the famous Popcorn Beach. There is plenty to see and do outside the hotel as well.

Overall, we would definitely recommend this hotel. Despite a few things that could be improved, particularly the entertainment and sunbed situation, we had a wonderful holiday and would happily return.