Cretan Malia Park

Absolutely perfect. A holiday with my mum and my two young kids, 1 and 3 years old - they loved every moment as well as me somehow finding it relaxing. Food was superb at every restaurant; the atmosphere was laid back, child-friendly yet classy, and the service was fantastic - all whilst feeling authentically Cretan; and Calum on the bar is absolutely beautiful. We can't wait to come back for our third visit one day. Thank you x

The arrival experience set a promising tone: warm, welcoming staff, a smooth check-in, and the kind of hospitality you'd expect from a five-star resort. Unfortunately, that was the high point of the stay.

The room itself was attractive and well-appointed, but it was marketed as beachfront, which is generous at best. While it technically overlooked the beach, the view was largely obscured by trees, and there was no direct beach access from the room. Being on the first floor meant that getting anywhere near the sand required exiting through the back and walking around the building—a far cry from the effortless beachfront experience advertised.

The bathroom was perhaps the biggest surprise, and not in a good way. I've stayed in many three-star hotels with larger, better-designed bathrooms. It felt cramped, poorly ventilated, and noticeably below the standard one would expect at this price point.

The pool situation perfectly illustrates the gap between marketing and reality. The resort advertises three pools, but during our stay only one was truly usable. Unsurprisingly, it was packed from morning until evening with screaming toddlers and families. If you weren't out reserving a sun lounger before 8 a.m., you had virtually no chance of finding one later. The lazy river was actually lovely—peaceful, relaxing, and noticeably less crowded—but all of the loungers surrounding it were reserved for guests staying in adjacent rooms, making it effectively inaccessible for everyone else.

As for the restaurants, expectations should be adjusted accordingly. Mediterraneo breakfast offers a decent buffet, but after the second day you realise you've seen everything there is to see. There was virtually no variation throughout our stay. The restaurant itself was chronically overcrowded, with service that struggled under the pressure. Empty plates piled up on tables, and ordering a coffee often felt like a negotiation exercise. On several occasions we had to ask multiple times, only to be forgotten altogether. The problem wasn't the staff, who were generally pleasant, but rather a management decision to cram far too many tables into the space while providing far too few servers.

The dinner buffet was a step up. Food quality was generally good, and service was noticeably better. However, the same issue remained: very limited variation from day to day, which quickly becomes repetitive at a resort where guests are staying for a week or more.

Mouries was where things went from disappointing to absurd. The service was perfectly acceptable, but the food was a genuine disaster given the prices being charged. The low point was a tiny, overgrilled octopus arm served on cold mashed potato—a dish that somehow managed to be both underwhelming and overpriced at the same time. If a restaurant wants to charge five-star prices, it needs to deliver five-star food and five-star execution. Mouries delivers neither.

Almyra was the standout restaurant in terms of food quality. The setting is beautiful, the dishes were genuinely enjoyable, and it was easily our best dining experience on the property. That said, the pricing still felt ambitious for what was delivered.

What made that experience particularly disappointing was that we were celebrating my husband's 50th birthday. This was hardly a secret—we were travelling with giant balloons displaying a large "50," and the hotel had been informed in advance that this was the purpose of our trip. Yet not a single member of staff acknowledged the occasion. No congratulations, no small gesture, not even a candle on the dessert we ordered. Luxury hospitality is often defined by attention to detail, and this felt like a remarkably easy opportunity to create a memorable moment that was simply ignored.

The Beach Shak deserves a special mention, albeit for all the wrong reasons. Charging €26 for a burger and chips that appeared to have come entirely from the freezer aisle takes a certain level of confidence. Equally memorable were three breaded, deep-fried shrimp served in miniature tacos for €20. I genuinely struggle to remember another meal where I paid so much and enjoyed it so little. To add insult to injury, the venue closed at 6 p.m. every day despite being advertised as operating until 1 a.m., making it impossible to enjoy the sunset drinks that were prominently featured in the resort's marketing materials.

The one consistently excellent venue throughout our stay was the pool bar. Service was friendly and efficient, cocktails were genuinely good, and it was one of the few places that actually felt aligned with the standards the resort claims to offer.

Another area where the resort deserves some credit is The Place, the teen hangout space. It was thoughtfully designed and gave older children and teenagers somewhere to spend time away from the crowded main areas. The table tennis was popular, and the movie evenings were a nice touch that created a relaxed atmosphere without feeling overly organised.

Overall, this resort suffers from a severe identity crisis. It charges five-star-plus prices while delivering, in many areas, a two-star service experience. Between the overcrowding, misleading marketing, mediocre food, lack of attention to detail, and constant struggle for basic amenities such as sun loungers, the reality falls far short of the luxury experience being sold.

What makes this even more disappointing is that we had informed the hotel in advance that we were visiting to celebrate my husband's 50th birthday. Yet this special occasion appeared to be completely ignored throughout our stay—not just by the restaurant, but by the hotel as a whole. We weren't expecting champagne and fireworks; simply a small gesture, a note in the room, or even a "happy birthday" would have demonstrated the level of attentiveness one expects from a luxury property. Instead, the occasion passed entirely unnoticed.

A beautiful location and some genuinely friendly staff cannot compensate for a resort that consistently overpromises and underdelivers. In the end, this felt like a resort charging five-star prices for an experience that, too often, wasn't even close.